Alright
by JestaAriadne
Summary: Oneshot. Rum Tum Tugger, a storm and an unexpected distraction. Everyone knows you have to be extremely careful with Demeter except, apparently, the girl herself...


Alright  
By JestaAriadne, December 2006

I'm still not exactly sure what to make of this piece. There's a bit of backstory to it-- it involves my random pairing generator, a certain challenge, the wonderfully messed up Demeter I saw on stage this year and my hopeless desire to be able to _write_ again... I've got to start somewhere.

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The Rum Tum Tugger did not like being alone. One rather needed others around to get the full impact of causing a horrible or amusing muddle... And causing chaos was, after all, basically what he did. He needed others around in order to be himself.

The cat he was when no one was there seemed to spend a lot of time brooding, and he wasn't sure he liked that one bit.

He fidgeted (how unlike him), and made a half-hearted swipe at a clump of dry leaves a sudden draft had sent scudding across the floor of his den. Storm coming. Otherwise he'd have gone outside, seen what there was to do or who there was to annoy. As it was... storms messed up his fur, and it wasn't worth that just to alleviate a bit of moroseness, was it.

_I need a distraction..._

Tugger stretched himself out with practised languidity and tried to go to sleep and not think about anything. The approaching storm pricked at the outside of his consciousness and made him restless.

Someone stepped in through the curtain, walking softly. Tugger looked up.

"Demeter?"

It was probably not exactly who he'd have chosen for his distraction. 'Course, Demeter was alright in her way... -- only, no, she wasn't. That was just it. Whatever Demeter was - sensitive, volatile, devastatingly beautiful (...beautiful devastation...) - she was not _alright_. That was part of the reason he felt so very uncomfortable around her.

"Yo," she said, deadpan.

He smiled. "Yo," he replied, and left it at that for the time being, waiting for her to make the next move. Everyone knew you that had to be extremely careful with Demeter.

She tilted her head to one side, smiling in some indefinable way at him, blinking like she had gold dust in her eyes. Tugger thought how similar she looked to how she used to look _before_... (They tended to keep everything neatly divided into _before_ and _after_ when they talked about Demeter.)

"Can I come in?"

"You _are_ in, Dem," Tugger drawled, casual as you like. At least he could manage that...

"Can I sit down then?"

"Sure."

He shrugged with magnificant nonchalance, and Demeter sat down, very very close to him.

Suddenly, Tugger felt severely less nonchalant. But what could you do? Say: look, I'm sorry, would you mind moving a couple feet to your left? Because it makes me - The Rum Tum Tugger - uncomfortable having you this close? Because that bastard messed you up so badly inside that you're not - normal anymore, and anything that--

_Stop it, idiot!_ he told himself. _Nothing is happening! Have you honestly got such an incredibly one-track mind? Stop freaking out!_

"So," he began, too loud, trying to drown out the clamour in his head, "can I do anything for you, Dem? Or did you just want the pleasure of my company?"

She turned a little towards the doorway, brushing against him slightly. "Mm," she said noncommittally. "It's raining." Was that an explanation, he wondered, or a change of subject?

It had indeed just started to rain in earnest. They listened to it for a while.

"I hate the rain," Tugger said at length. "My mane goes all frizzy."

Demeter giggled. "Aw, Tugger with a frizzy mane!" she teased, twirling a bit of it in her fingers.

"Yeah..." he said with a self-deprecating grin. Then he added, mock-serious, "Don't tell anyone now -- got my reputation to think of!"

"Your reputation..." she murmured.

...was not something he wanted to _discuss_. He cursed himself for bringing up the topic at all.

The wind fluttered the rag of a curtain that hung over the mouth of his den. Demeter shivered.

"Cold?" Tugger asked, then wished he hadn't. If she said 'yes', it left him the options of either dramatically leaping up to go find a blanket or something or else suggesting a nice brisk _run_ in the _pouring rain_. With anyone else, it would be a useful cue to smoothly initiate some _other_ method of keeping warm. But not with her. Sometimes he felt like if you touched Demeter you'd get an electric shock...

"A little," she said, soft and almost sleepily.

...They _were_ touching now, ever-so-slightly, his arm and hers. He hardly dared to breathe. Move one muscle more, some instinct told him, and something will give way, and _then_ you'll be in trouble...

"Hey..."

There was something... indefinable about that meagre syllable. Tugger was aware that he was looking not at Demeter but ahead of him at some point on the corrugated iron wall of the enclosure... Slowly, still hardly breathing, he turned to face her. Her face, upturned in the twilight, looked as still and as delicate as a china doll's.

"Kiss me," she said.

"What?" In an instant, he mood of stillness was gone; he almost panicked. He could not look away.

"Please." That same, clipped tone.

"Dem-" he protested, "you're-"

"I'm _fine_, and I'm asking you to kiss me." Her amber eyes burned into him, hot with some accusation, and he looked away. "I'm not crazy!" she said shrilly. "Tugger! Look at me! I'm not. I wish people would stop treating me like-- Look-- I just want to be normal again! I. Am. Fine."

_No, you're not._

"Tugger."

He looked at her. He couldn't help it.

_You're not alright..._

He looked at her. With her jaw set resolutely now, and her gaze full of - mournful intensity.

_You've been all broken to pieces in ways that I can't even stand to think about, and the **only thing** I am any good at is making things worse._

Because of course making a mess of things was like a compulsion for him, wasn't it? All the time. But not with her. He couldn't - ...And yes of course she drove him crazy, and maybe she always had, but that wasn't the point!! There were _limits_, for Heaviside's sake, even he knew that!--

_This is not normal. This is not fair. You shouldn't be here, you shouldn't be asking for this - I should just tell you to go but I can't and and oh my Everlasting Cat, Munkustrap is going to KILL ME._

Somehow, there had gotten to be only centimetres between their faces.

The sound of her shallow breathing and his was drowning out the deafening rain...

_...I can't..._

"Tug-"

He kissed her.

And she melted into his arms; and suddenly he was supporting all the weight of that feather-weight body, and as they moved together he could feel bones shift under skin. Demeter never let anyone this close, never, not since -- Oh, no, _no_, don't think about that!

A thousand thoughts collided and splintered in his mind. He was going to ruin everything. He always did... Only it didn't usually _matter_. But - this - wasn't funny, wasn't alright... It wasn't _fair_. On either of them. He was going to ruin everything...

_He was kissing Demeter..._

And there was no electricity, just the arresting warmth of her flowing into him and through him from every place their bodies touched. They were both trembling; he was trying to be gentle, but she didn't want that, hands in his mane she pulled him closer and they collided too, again and again-- His heart ached... And both their hearts beat too fast, giddy, off-balance, and he fancied he felt tears sting the corners of his eyes as through closed eyes he was blinded by the pure, painful brilliance of gold and amber...

They broke apart with the first clap of thunder, and lay for a minute where they had fallen, shuddering, on the floor.

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_So what now?_

What was he supposed to say?

Tugger sat up slowly, staring at the floor. He blinked several times.

"...This is why I don't do serious relationships..." he muttered to himself, only of course she heard.

"I don't want serious," she snapped, breathless. Which left the unspoken: _that's why I came to you_ hanging like a zeppelin in the air. Demeter sat up and dusted herself off.

Why had he said that? What a stupid, idiotic-

Well, partly because it was true, wasn't it? He didn't do serious. He didn't need to, most of the time. Most cats came to him to be entertained or distracted, and he was happy to oblige... (But even if Demeter had wanted that, you couldn't treat her like that; because it surely wasn't what she _needed_. He thought: how laughable to cast himself as some kind of saviour...)

What was he supposed to say?

_Will you be ok?_ he very badly wanted to know. (Like she could have told him anyway.) But you couldn't say that- Excuse me Demeter, that was a very very nice kiss just then but I really must send you on your way now because even though I desperately want you to stay that would just be insanely stupid, but before you go, I was just wondering - and I realise that given your recent and not-so-recent history this may not be a question you have much desire or ability to answer - _will you be ok??_

..._With Munkustrap, that is; with your silver knight in shining virtue. Poor old Munkustrap who risked his life for you and would again and who **doesn't understand a thing**..._

Oh, Cat... had he ruined things so completely?

"It's alright..."

Said Demeter.

She met his eyes one more time, hesitated for a second.

Then she walked out through the curtain and into the storm.

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What was he supposed to do? Chase after her? What could he possibly say?

_...Actually, Demeter, I love you._

**_I love you._**

He closed his eyes in disgust. Stupid... What earthly good would that do?

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..OK, so this is a bit of an ignoble way to return to writing catsfic, but I've got to start somewhere, right?

I was inspired quite a bit by the Demeter I just saw on the Tour... quite the mass of neuroses she was, seriously. I LOVED HER. Moodswingy, very defiant and ok outwardly, shocking the older cats with the places she'd been and things she knew (e.g. about Grizabella) - _so very young_ and so very messed up. Also sometimes incredibly sexy. And when Macavity turned up, she just fell to her knees and _reached out to him_. And he, knowing exactly what it was he was doing to her, just laughed and went to deal with business before pleasure, and she collapsed completely. And 'twas all very creepy and brilliant and I luffed it very much.

...Also, that production had a wonderfully done Munkustrap/Demeter thingy going on, which I reeeally should write sometime (ESPECIALLY AS MUNKUSTRAP WAS SO AMAZING AND BEAUTIFULLY-VOICED AND _WELSH_!)... ahem. ANYWAY.

However, as regards this fic... well, the point is, Tugger/Demeter came on the Random Pairing Generator XDD And so I started thinking about the dynamics there, only I seem to have come up with the most unhappy, impossible take I could really. It's rather morose and melodramatic (while at the same time not much really happens), but it's a guaranteed 20 less pretentious and annoying than it was going to be, so ha. ...It's actually probably the most romance-or-whatever centred thing I've ever written ever.

And the length of this "author's note" is probably only to be matched by the pages of explanation I added to my FIRST CATSFIC EVER, so I will seriously shut up now.

I like reviews. And as I say, I'd like to be able to write... more better (XD)... soo if you have any helpful comments towards that end, do share.


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